It was the Summer of 1997.
Mark Messier signed a 3 year / $(too much) million dollar contract with the Vancouver Canucks and the team took its first steps towards the abyss. He was brought in as “the greatest leader in the history of the game” and after several close calls with the Stanley Cup in ’94 and… well that was kind of it, Mess was brought in to lead the Canucks to the promise land.
He was a harbinger of doom and potato chips.
Because of him, I exclusively eat Sun Chips and Doritos.
Looking back, his time in Vancouver was a whirlwind period that seems like a blur. He wins the Stanley Cup with Keenan and the Rangers (terrible band name btw), and then it’s almost like they weren’t done sticking it to Vancouver.
Messier shows up here a few years later, Keenan follows suit and the team gets gutted, suffering through some of the worst regular seasons in modern Canucks history.
("...I guess 3 years is long enough to ruin this place")
During that period one of the most beloved players in franchise history was exiled to the east coast. Not only did Messier “rip the C” from him, but the player in question played the quiet hero and “voluntarily” gave it up. I’m not going to say who I’m referring to, but I will tell you his name rhymes with awesome.
(Trevor Linden. I'm... not good at rhyming)
It’s been a long road back from those depths, and even though those times aren’t forgotten, over the years Canucks fans have been able to move past it. Since then, we’ve had a couple of great captains, won several division titles, the President’s trophy and although Messier still remains a sore spot for most fans, the recent successes are almost enough to make me forget he was even here in the first place.
One problem.
Mark Messier isn’t done making us hate him.
It was reported yesterday that former Rangers captain/Canucks dreamkiller was apparently coming after the Canucks for money that he feels entitled to. Read about it here from Province columnist Jim Jamieson.
Although it’s kinda silly, the biggest thing happening here that bothers me isn’t the fact that he’s calling on the Canucks organization for more money, it’s the fact that he is reminding me that he played here and dredging up all my feelings of just how little he was worth.
I may not be a fancy, big city lawyer (picture me saying that while leaning back and pulling gently on my suspenders) but as far as I can tell, you can’t go asking for what you are owed while you still owe someone.
And Messier owes the fans of this city a lot.
I’ve decided to use the Legion of Blog’s resources to figure out just how much he owes us. To work this out, I’ve gathered the LoB’s legal team and our accounting department (it’s just one guy, but he is a sharp dresser).
The Contract: 3 years/$20 million dollars.
What He Owes Us For:
0 playoff appearances – $15 million dollars
Wearing that stupid looking helmet – $4 mil
Having to watch Mike Keenan coach this team – $8 mil
Having to watch Mike Keenan be the General Manager – $400,000 (Keenan’s hardy for Todd Bertuzzi did work our in the long run)
Ripping the “C” from childhood hero Trevor Linden – $16 mil
Exiling Trevor Linden – $116 mil
Returning to New York after his contract to “end his career the right way” – (actually, I’d pay him for that. $100)
The fact that this photo still exists – $32 mil
(Not pictured: bleak future)
Postage for all those letters I sent to him from 97-00 asking him to stop being awful – $43
Making me drop my beer that time when someone reminded me he was Captain here – $6.50
The amount spent on Research & Development trying to recreate the “Men in Black” memory wipe thing – $2.4 billion
(Smug Tommy Lee Jones keeps hogging it)
After consulting with our accounting team, by my calculations, Mark Messier owes the Vancouver Canucks $11 ka-jillion dollars (adjusted for inflation… and because I just don’t like the guy).
I’m prepared to call it even if he just goes away and never reminds me that he infiltrated this team and laughed his stupid laugh all the way to the bank.
What is so damn funny?
He was only going to sign autographs for that bright eyed little scamp IF he got some chips out of the deal. Not even in fictional commercials does the guy come across well.
At present time j.Bowman is unable to explain how much he hates Mark Messier in under 140 characters. He has been trying to for years. You can follow him on twitter @jBowmancouver so you can say you were there when he finally did it.
